Spinning Wheels

There’s two things happening lately, my brain is reeling, the wheels are turning and turning and turning. I also feel like I’m spinning my creative/business wheels in the mud, spinning with all my might without going anywhere and instead only spurting mud all over everything.

Bottom line, I’ve got a lot on my mind:

My baby turns one soon, wasn’t I just pregnant? Didn’t I just give birth to her? Every event this year, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Superbowl, I’ve thought, “this time last year I was pregnant”. We’ve got a big first birthday party planned and that’s taking up the space in my brain that would otherwise be super emotional. But I scheduled the party for the day before her actual birthday because I’m 100% sure on March 9th, I’m going to be emotional. Heck, I’m almost crying now.

My godfather and uncle passed away this week. He was a good man. He has two daughters, my cousins, who are the closest thing to sisters I’ll ever have. My heart is breaking for them. He was the kind of man who would play Mall Madness and Girl Talk with us when we were kids. He made the trip from New York to Oklahoma to attend our wedding and danced with all of our friends. About 6 months later he came to our Grandmother’s funeral even though he’d been divorced from my aunt for years. I wish terribly I could be in New York on Friday and Saturday for the wake and funeral. Not only to say goodbye to him but to hold my cousins’ hands and cry with them. Death sucks.

We’re still finding the balance in our household of being parents, homeowners, friends, people who love God, business owners and husband and wife. It’s hard, and ever changing. I read a book once about being a good father. Yeah it wasn’t really for me but our church handed them out and I thought heck, might as well read it. One thing stuck with me, it’s ok to busy as long as you’re balanced. We’re working on it.

Business wise I feel like I’m spending all of my extra time working without lots of results, and it’s because I am. The majority of my time is occupied by a very adorable almost 11 month old and instead of spending an hour long nap time doing something for me like my nails (which have been painted once since she’s been born, for my high school reunion), I’m working at top speed. Nights are spent working. I’m becoming covetous of my time, because it’s so limited. I feel like I should be using it the best of my ability. I love what I do. I have two children, my business and my baby and sharing time between the two can be hard. Being with one produces guilt from neglecting the other. It’s that balance thing all over again. And again, I’m working on it.

I’ve also decided that I need to do some shoots for me. I’ve got a bunch of ideas floating around in my brain and I want them to come out. I’ve done sketches, made prop lists, brainstormed locations. Now I just need the families and folks to plop into my ideas. It’s good for the creative mind. I’m really excited. More on that later.

And that’s all for now.